Start from the number, not the names
The venue's capacity and your budget set the number of chairs. Write the full list, count heads, and cut to the number before anyone hears they are invited. Expect some invitees to decline, but only invite people you would be glad to see if everyone said yes.
Share the list fairly
Couples usually split the list in one of three ways: evenly between the two of you; between you and each set of parents; or in proportion to who pays. Agree on the split before you start, and let each side fill its share.
Plus-ones
- Invite partners of guests who are married, engaged or living together, by name.
- Give your wedding party a plus-one if they want one.
- Consider a plus-one for guests who would otherwise know nobody.
- Name the plus-one on the invitation where you can; write “and guest” only when you can't.
Children
Choose one rule and keep to it: all children, family children only, or adults only. Say it kindly on the invitation by naming exactly who is invited, and tell close family directly before the invitations arrive. Children in the wedding party are the usual exception.
Colleagues, old friends and exes
- Colleagues: invite the close team or none of it; the boss is optional.
- Friends you haven't spoken to in years don't need an invitation, and won't expect one.
- Exes: only if you are genuinely friends and your partner is comfortable.
- Someone who invited you to their wedding doesn't create an obligation if your wedding is much smaller.
The A list and the B list
The A list is everyone you must invite; the B list is people you would love to invite if there is room. Send the A list first, and invite from the B list as declines come in — early enough that the invitation still looks like a first choice.
Saying no kindly
“We're keeping it small, family and a few close friends” is true, kind and complete. Say it once, warmly, and don't argue the details. A celebration later for a wider circle can include people the day itself can't.